(a scene from a police procedural TV show that is not real)


THE head of Hutchison ‘Hunch’ Hinchcliffe pops out from behind a lectern at the front of an empty lecture theatre. Empty, that is, aside from a forensics team surrounding a body on the floor.

OK. Case closed.

Hunch, quit screwing around. We've been here all of 5 minutes.

The forensics guys and other cops stop what they're doing and look up. Hunch walks out of shot.

HUNCH (yelling from side stage)
Our perp had to have come in from this entrance. Remind me Professor Clink, who had a key to this door?

That door? Well... only me! But... I was... You're not saying...

He's not saying anything. Or at least - nothing of substance. I'm sorry Professor.

No need for apologies, D'Angelo. The good Professor's right to be confused. I'm surprised he's not confused more often.

CLINK (indignant)
Detective, I want him out of here right now! I will not be insulted. Who is this man, anyway?

Hutchison Hinchcliffe, consulting detective. At your service. Well - someone's service.

He's no detective. He's a retired musician with nothing better to do. And it's time he found something better to do. Hunch - this time you've gone too far.

Not so fast, D'Angelo. See... no one suspects our kindly Professor here. He clearly doesn't have the physical strength to wield the sort of weapon that took down this vic.

CLINK (really indignant)
Well, I don't know about-

And we can be certain the Professor didn't do it, because he was  here at the time.

CLINK (ridiculously indignant)
Mr Hinchcliffe! How dare you? You're suggesting I looked on as my assistant was bludgeoned to death? What sort of monster-

Professor! Calm yourself. I didn't suggest you looked on. Just that you were here, in the room.

Hunch - you'd better get somewhere and fast. The Professor looks plenty strong to me.

Looks can deceive, D'Angelo. But behind the lectern tells another story.

Hunch proceeds back towards the lectern.

Professor, how many laser pointers have you bought this last year?

CLINK (indignant yet curious)
Well I don't see how that's relevant. But if you must know... they keep breaking on me.

Hunch peeks out from behind the lectern with something in his hand, then showers Clink with laser light.

Professor, there were 14 laser pointers on the floor back there. Why, one might ask, would you buy a new laser pointer instead of simply picking up one of the 14 laying at your feet?

CLINK (no longer indignant)
It's my back. I can't bend over to save my life.

Nor the life of your assistant, it would seem.

OK Hunch. Very cute. But I'm not seeing any connection to the killing.

Well that part is simple. If you're listening, that is.

Dammit Hunch - we're all ears.

Hunch walks out of shot once again, to side stage. We hear a door hinge squeak.

HUNCH (yelling)
There's a good reason you didn't get this squeaky hinge looked at, isn't there Professor?

CLINK (indignant again)
What hinge? There's no squeaky hinge. I keep a respectable, tidy workplace. A pure ivory whiteboard, every row of seats void of any blemish or stain.

That squeak follows the Minor Hungarian scale. From a high C sharp, with a glissando up to an E flat.

CLINK (outraged)
Detective D'Angelo, I've had quite enough of this! This is madness.

I'm afraid it's not, Professor Clink. Hunch may be a pain in the ass, but he's the best consultant we've got.

My methods may be unorthodox, but by god I get results.

Don't push it, Hunch. But he's right. His knowledge of musicology and musical ethnography has saved many lives. And I'm afraid you're under arrest.

CLINK (flabbergasted)
But... what? Why?

You didn't hear the door opening, Professor. Because you've clearly got hearing loss at that frequency. And you left the door unlocked for your assistant to get in, because you hate having to abandon your lecture preparation ritual to let him in.
So while you were cleaning your precious lecture theatre, someone got in here and killed your assistant without your even knowing.

Even if that's so, why would I be arrested?

The laser pointers, Professor. Those things have been banned in this jurisdiction for 5 years now. They'll take a student's eye out. Now get your sorry ass against the wall. You have the right to remain silent.

Yes - silent. Just like any sound over a high B.

That the best zinger you can come up with, Hunch?

What can I say? I'm just a musician.


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