Hunch

(a scene from a police procedural TV show that is not real)

INT. LECTURE THEATRE. DAY.

THE head of Hutchison ‘Hunch’ Hinchcliffe pops out from behind a lectern at the front of an empty lecture theatre. Empty, that is, aside from a forensics team surrounding a body on the floor.

HUNCH
OK. Case closed.

DETECTIVE JANE D'ANGELO
Hunch, quit screwing around. We've been here all of 5 minutes.

The forensics guys and other cops stop what they're doing and look up. Hunch walks out of shot.

HUNCH (yelling from side stage)
Our perp had to have come in from this entrance. Remind me Professor Clink, who had a key to this door?

PROFESSOR CLINK
That door? Well... only me! But... I was... You're not saying...

D'ANGELO
He's not saying anything. Or at least - nothing of substance. I'm sorry Professor.

HUNCH
No need for apologies, D'Angelo. The good Professor's right to be confused. I'm surprised he's not confused more often.

CLINK (indignant)
Detective, I want him out of here right now! I will not be insulted. Who is this man, anyway?

HUNCH
Hutchison Hinchcliffe, consulting detective. At your service. Well - someone's service.

D'ANGELO
He's no detective. He's a retired musician with nothing better to do. And it's time he found something better to do. Hunch - this time you've gone too far.

HUNCH
Not so fast, D'Angelo. See... no one suspects our kindly Professor here. He clearly doesn't have the physical strength to wield the sort of weapon that took down this vic.

CLINK (really indignant)
Well, I don't know about-

HUNCH
And we can be certain the Professor didn't do it, because he was  here at the time.

CLINK (ridiculously indignant)
Mr Hinchcliffe! How dare you? You're suggesting I looked on as my assistant was bludgeoned to death? What sort of monster-

HUNCH
Professor! Calm yourself. I didn't suggest you looked on. Just that you were here, in the room.

D'ANGELO
Hunch - you'd better get somewhere and fast. The Professor looks plenty strong to me.

HUNCH
Looks can deceive, D'Angelo. But behind the lectern tells another story.

Hunch proceeds back towards the lectern.

HUNCH
Professor, how many laser pointers have you bought this last year?

CLINK (indignant yet curious)
Well I don't see how that's relevant. But if you must know... they keep breaking on me.

Hunch peeks out from behind the lectern with something in his hand, then showers Clink with laser light.

HUNCH
Professor, there were 14 laser pointers on the floor back there. Why, one might ask, would you buy a new laser pointer instead of simply picking up one of the 14 laying at your feet?

CLINK (no longer indignant)
It's my back. I can't bend over to save my life.

HUNCH
Nor the life of your assistant, it would seem.

D'ANGELO
OK Hunch. Very cute. But I'm not seeing any connection to the killing.

HUNCH
Well that part is simple. If you're listening, that is.

D'ANGELO
Dammit Hunch - we're all ears.

Hunch walks out of shot once again, to side stage. We hear a door hinge squeak.

HUNCH (yelling)
There's a good reason you didn't get this squeaky hinge looked at, isn't there Professor?

CLINK (indignant again)
What hinge? There's no squeaky hinge. I keep a respectable, tidy workplace. A pure ivory whiteboard, every row of seats void of any blemish or stain.

HUNCH
That squeak follows the Minor Hungarian scale. From a high C sharp, with a glissando up to an E flat.

CLINK (outraged)
Detective D'Angelo, I've had quite enough of this! This is madness.

D'ANGELO
I'm afraid it's not, Professor Clink. Hunch may be a pain in the ass, but he's the best consultant we've got.

HUNCH
My methods may be unorthodox, but by god I get results.

D'ANGELO
Don't push it, Hunch. But he's right. His knowledge of musicology and musical ethnography has saved many lives. And I'm afraid you're under arrest.

CLINK (flabbergasted)
But... what? Why?

HUNCH
You didn't hear the door opening, Professor. Because you've clearly got hearing loss at that frequency. And you left the door unlocked for your assistant to get in, because you hate having to abandon your lecture preparation ritual to let him in.
So while you were cleaning your precious lecture theatre, someone got in here and killed your assistant without your even knowing.

CLINK
Even if that's so, why would I be arrested?

D'ANGELO
The laser pointers, Professor. Those things have been banned in this jurisdiction for 5 years now. They'll take a student's eye out. Now get your sorry ass against the wall. You have the right to remain silent.

HUNCH
Yes - silent. Just like any sound over a high B.

D'ANGELO
That the best zinger you can come up with, Hunch?

HUNCH
What can I say? I'm just a musician.

END SCENE