Mystery boy

This is an excerpt from a self help guide to being an attractive teenage boy. Naturally, given the extreme creepiness and legal issues associated with writing such a book, I will not be writing the book, save for this excerpt.

At the beach, there are two types of teenage boy. There is shirt off boy. And there is mystery boy.

Some people think there’s a third category called ‘shirt on boy’. That is false.

Shirt off boy is confident that he has a bod like a god, and he is quite sure the world both wants and needs to see it. So when he gets to the beach, or sometimes before he even leaves home, he goes full shirt off (he takes off his shirt).

He’s giving the people what they want, and if there’s a Sunday newspaper photographer present (perhaps working on a  ‘Fun In The Sun’ type slow news story), he’s ready to be flexing in the shot.

Mystery boy is harder to explain. He is a mystery. And that doesn’t imply a mystery as to who or what he is. He knows who and what he is. It means who or what he is is a mystery. If you can't appreciate the distinction, that’s on you.

Much like the non-existent category of shirt on boy, mystery boy keeps his shirt on at the beach. It’s important to note that this has nothing to do with the effeminate nature of his puppy fat deposits. Nor their placement on his chest and hips. Nor the fact that the rest of him is skinny, charmless and devoid of muscle tone. None of that influences his decision to go shirt on (to keep his shirt on, or put another way, to not take his shirt off).

Mystery boy goes shirt on because whatever is underneath his shirt is a mystery. Is it hot as all heck? Is it appealing for your sensual healing?

You will die wondering. Because mystery boy gives nothing away. And in giving nothing away, mystery boy need never disclose the status of his body as sexy or otherwise.

Yes, he might have a sexy body. No, you'll never know whether he does for sure.


A note on sexiness. It’s important to note that the basis of this excerpt is first person autobiographical. In no way is this document an example of teen boy fantasy.

And yet, for anyone Googling the phrase teen boy fantasy, this article is likely to appear. But that’s unavoidable, as long as the phrase teen boy fantasy is used the minimum number of times.

So again, this is not a teen boy fantasy, nor is it intended to be read by a teen boy. Fantasy is, in any event, personal to all of us.

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